What is it that I am trying to do by reading more? Am I trying to compensate for something I think I am lacking by trying to acquire more knowledge? Sometimes I don’t get myself! Shouldn’t you always “get” yourself? I sure would like to find my determination and focus to take this to the next step… To be a life student and truly finish this half thing I have started. I have so many interests that I have lost focus. I make plans to plan instead of planning. I am sometimes too random for my own good. I think I define who I am sometimes by the level of spontaneity and “differentness” that I can achieve. That’s crap! I mean, being different and unique is a good and healthy thing. However, in being unique I place myself in a stereotype of people who are trying to be just that… unique, therefore making myself in a way… Normal. I feel so lazy sometimes yet I am always doing something like work, school, and helping others with computer issues, church, making music, etc…
I understand why some people read though. It’s the same base reason I get on the computer, or used to get so involved into games. To disconnect! To unplug from reality that is our lives. I don’t play games online like I used too. Don’t get me wrong, I still love them and can get caught up in them, but I have set limits on time and such now. Growing up I never had games, no Nintendo, Sega, Playstation… none of that! Just the computer. I kept spending way too much time with them that everything in my life was neglected. I took on a character and fake persona that was all me, but not reality. No wonder that is so appealing to people. You can waste you life away doing that in whatever form it takes for you, books, games, relationships, etc… Trying to be someone you’re not.
*(that last thought (relationships/being someone you’re not) sparked the thing below)
Seemingly perfect was the sound of it
to chase after the unapproachable
Remain calm, play it cool, show yourself
Make character sacrifices for the appearance of compromise.
The author of my thoughts acting like it spoke another language.
Speech, mannerisms, likes, etc…
She was different and so you became…
You transformed to a mere shadow of yourself, concealed and a lie.
Pure attentiveness and actions would not do you justice
“Chemistry needed” read the invisible sign around your neck.
How do you have growth and blossoms with no sun or water?
How can we ignite when the fuel to our flame is under lock and key of your mind?
I am drowning; the wick of my soul is drenched.
Alas, the wind of change comes to dry it up.
How long I have wanted to burn.
Again and again the wind blows
I need shelter, how else will I cultivate the flame once it burns
Will I let the blaze from it melt away my guise?
How can I control something I have never been able to before?
Can intellect? Can logic? Will it overtake me?
I feel at times, not even the flame could take down what I have started.
How can one of life’s greatest disasters burn everything in its path and miss me?
In contrast, I feel exactly opposite of the house not hit by the raging tornado.
Everyone and everything consumed, but I am left standing.
Its destruction would be welcomed, if only to be able to feel its power!
I have no hope for that, only to masquerade as the tornado for someone else.
(this kinda lost focus to me, I may revisit it later. It just came to me as I was typing and I posted it)
1 comment:
interesting...we all make ourselves to be something to those around us, adjusting to the wants of others. How refreshing to know that despite our identity crisis, God knows exactly who we are, what we are doing, and why we are doing it (even when we don't). i've spent time trying to figure that out, but realize that i don't need to. instead of focusing on where i went wrong, i ask God to transform me again and for strength to stay the course. and when i try to figure out who i am behind all the masks...i look to the image of Christ and who i want to be and i pick up the trail once again(that may not have been where you were going). the poem is very emotional...but i can see the end has a very different tone than the beginning. i wondered if your subject matter/inspiration maybe changed in the middle. but once again, i really like the imagery.
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